Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
-Alice in Wonderland
I'm one of those people who practically live this quote. I'm not one who often knows where I want to go, let alone how to get there or what to expect next or even what I want to get out of where I'm going. I move from city to city as the wind blows, yet I love things to be scheduled and certain. I hate not knowing what to expect, yet I love surprises and dislike the sameness of life.
I'm a complete contradiction.
And that's fine. After twenty-four years, I'm used to it. I run when I should rest. I rest when I should run. I dream and think and wonder and then get frustrated for dreaming and thinking and wondering. I think that's why it's so easy for me to live this quote. I'm an undecided Alice who doesn't know up from down.
The only thing in my life (once I figured it out) that I didn't want to run from, that I wasn't uncertain about, that I knew the correct way to go, be it right or left or sideways, was (and is) writing.
I'm someone who loves a lot of things passionately. AIDS work, South Africa, Doctor Who, Supernatural (all tv, really), books, my friends, Nutella. (That stuff is CRACK!) But there's nothing I love more than writing--even on the days when I'm exhausted and frustrated and tired of trying so damn hard. Even when, like now, I'm faced with the in-between of starting something new (and being mostly unable to do so), of trying to move on from finishing something else, and of thinking about the future without thinking to much about the future. It's a tough place to be, but I still love writing.
Right now, I'm knee deep in two things. First, I'm writing a query. Which is awesome, in that I-wanna-vomit-now way. I've written queries before. I've helped write many, many queries and enjoyed it. But it's so hard writing your own query. And it's so hard balancing the anxiety of "what could happen if" and "where I am now" and "here's this new idea, let's write it, but oh, wait my brain is just TIRED."
That's more exhausting than actually writing.
I know it's part of the in-between--and I'm not complaining. I've always been in this place. My whole life. This in-between. (Seriously, this is not a lie. I am that person who's always on the brink of something that could be fantastic who gets knocked off before anything happens. All. My. Life. I'm used to it.) But some days, I WANT to not be here anymore. Some days, I'd like to cross over. I'd like to know which way I need to go and where I even want to go.
The hard part about that? The only place I want to go is a place that ends and begins with writing. And, aside from actually writing the story, I have no control over whether or not I will get there.
And I'm okay with that.
I am an undetermined Alice. Because as much I say it's okay, a huge part of me wants to delete that sentence! Sometimes it's not okay. Sometimes it sucks A LOT. But ultimately I get to do what I love to do. I get to dream and imagine and hope. That's kinda awesome.
Do I want to be on the big path so I can reach my dreams some day? Yes. But for now, I can't control the big path. But there are a few things I can do right now. What are they, you ask? Well....
|Kitteh likes Nutella too! :)|
Then, I will try to write this story with the characters I love and the plot line. Maybe it will figure itself out as I go. And if not, then I can put it on hold and work on something else. Ideas have a pretty great shelf life.
I will work on edits for my internship. I will go to the gym. I will enjoy the discussions at this weekend's Grimm Brothers Fairy Tale Conference. I will watch The Vampire Diaries. And I will eat some Nutella.
And I'm REALLY, REALLY okay with all of that.